Who I Am ::Acceptance::
by Skipsida
Summary: A short reincarnation fic. *Complete* Nuriko is going in for surgery but first he has to tell his friends. A story about how everyone copes
1. Mitsukake

**Disclaimer: **Nope. Still don't own FY. Why do I even bother with these disclaimers anyway? It's not as if I ever will!   


**This is a Nuriko fic**... yeah, I seem to write a lot of them... but this is one with a difference. It's not told through Nuriko's point of view but of those who love him. His friends, the other seishi. It's a reincarnation fic (but unrelated to my other one, "What if"), the seishi already know each other, have their memories and all that other stuff. You fill in the rest of the gaps.   


**Who I am - Acceptance**

**Chapter 1**

**::Mitsukake::**

I look at Nuriko, who is balancing precariously on my office-chair. I feel half tempted to readjust him but instead joke, 

"Careful. This is going to be major enough surgery without me having to operate your back as well." 

Nuriko leans the chair so he uses all four of the legs again and gives me a sheepish smile. 

"Did you get the information I sent you?" I ask. He nods. "Did you understand it all?" He nods again. 

"At least I think so," he says, "although I had to use a dictionary." 

"Sorry about all the technical terms. That's medical-talk for you," I say, feeling awkward. 

"That's okay. At least I can ask you what stuff means without feeling stupid. I'm glad you're my doctor," Nuriko says, smiling at me. I look back at him, examining his clothing choice for the day. I could only describe it as "experimentation in pinks". He made dressing an art form, sometimes only because what he wore looked somewhat akin to modern art. Today was better than most, he looked pretty normal. Apparently, he dressed in accordance to his mood. All I can say is God help us when he starts wearing feather boas. Not that Suzaku has much to do with this. I don't know what happened to the fashion sense he had in the last life, he dresses just as beautifully now, just _very_ extravagantly and outrageously. 

I realise I have been staring at him and say, hurridly, 

"I'm sorry, I was preoccupied." He shoots me a smile and I relax again. "Just reflecting on times gone by." 

"Stop reflecting, you're not a mirror!" he giggles. "I thought we were talking about _me_ here!" 

"Always self-centred!" I laugh. 

"Well, I am paying you for this consultation!" Nuriko points out. 

"I would do it for free," I say, quietly. 

"Don't. You did enough free healing in the last life. How would you ever make any money in this life if you didn't charge people? I mean, I see people in the street who desperately need a makeover but I just give them my card and a winning smile. You can't do things for free, darlin', even if you do feel tempted," he said. He did have a point. His beauty-salon _was_ the best in town, not to mention the richest. Hotohori's hair-styling and massaging techniques, combined with Nuriko's facial, makeup and massaging had earnt them much success. They'd even had to employ another massagist, Soi, and were training a new make-up artist, Tomo. 

"Chichiri would say 'money doesn't matter, no da'," I say, enjoying the debate and delay from the inevitable. 

"He also is a psychiatrist and earns more than the rest of us put together," he points out, "and you're avoiding the topic." 

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I ask, serious again. 

"I have to do this," he said. 

"You do understand that this is going to be very painful, probably the most pain you will ever suffer?" I ask. He gives me a wry smile. 

"As bad as dying in the past life?" he asks. I feel a pang of pain for not saving him then. "I'm sorry," he says, noticing my face. I take a deep breath in. 

"Perhaps. Perhaps worse, as it will last for months afterwards," I reply. I know how much this is going to hurt him. I have seen others coming out of surgery. They were on morphine all day, every day, for about a month or more. 

"I am strong," he says. 

"I know you are," I say, softly. 

"Mitsukake, I know it won't be the same. I know it won't ever be complete. I know it. But I must do this," he says. 

"I know." I change the subject, knowing that topic is now closed. "I'll send you to a psychiatrist. Sadly, they have to prove you sane before you can undergo surgery." 

"Oh dear, that'd be hard!" Nuriko laughs. "I guess I'll have to look reasonably normal, huh?" 

"Don't worry, I'm sending you to Chichiri. He's used to it," I reply. 

"Lucky," Nuriko comments. 

"How will you tell the others?" I ask. 

"Well, you already know, and so will Chichiri, soon," Nuriko says, thoughtfully. 

"You'll have to tell them soon," I remind him. 

"I'll probably tell Miaka first," Nuriko says, "because she'd accept it straight away. Then Tamahome. Then Tasuki. Wow, he's going to flip! Then Chiriko. Poor kid, I don't know how he'll cope with it. Hotohori last. He'll be the hardest to tell." 

I give him a sympathetic look. I don't say 'they'll understand' because I know, deep down, that perhaps they might not. The bonds between us are just as strong in this life as the last, but this is different. Deeper. I hope Nuriko can cope. He has to, right? 

"Well... back onto the details of the surgery," I say, changing the subject again, "what was it you wanted explained?' 


	2. Chichiri

**Who I am - Acceptance******

**Chapter 2******

**::Chichiri::******

I look at my roster and the files on my desk, still wondering why Nuriko is coming to see me. Relationship trouble with Hotohori? I doubt it, this is more serious. 

"Nuriko Yanagi's recommendation from his doctor, sir," my receptionist says, after knocking and entering my office. 

"Thankyou, Amefuri," I say, flashing her a smile, "can you get me some more coffee, please?" 

"Right away, sir," she says. I open the letter and read it. My heart sinks. So this is what it comes down to. He's finally going to do it. Have the operation. I sigh, knowing what Mitsukake really wants me to do. Anyone else could easily have this session with Nuriko but he's asking me because I can talk to him. Mitsukake never really got the hang of it in this life either, he expresses himself best in writing. 

My receptionist returns with my coffee and I take a sip, feeling grateful for the caffeine. I've been so tired lately. 

"Can you send Mr Yanagi in, please?" I ask. A few minutes later, Nuriko is shown to my office. He looks around in curiousity at my various diplomas, degrees and other documentatation stuck to the wall, then examines my messy desk. 

"Tsk tsk, now I know why you never let us in your office," he remarks, "don't you ever clean up?" 

"I didn't have to in the last life," I say, grumpily, "I just shoved things into my kasa." Amefuri has been bugging me about it ever since I banned both her and Kokie from touching my desk. They've tried to get Toroki onto my case but he's not stupid. He's given up on my mess ever since we were roommates in university. 

"Uh... leave my desk alone, no da?" I say, pleadingly. I don't tend to 'no da' much anymore, except for a joke or when I'm nervous. My speech therapist stopped the problem when I was in primary school. 

"Well, you should know why I'm here. I bet Mitsukake wants to talk me out of it," Nuriko says, leaning back on his chair. I watch, fascinated. He appears to be defying gravity. I quickly snap out of it when I realise he's waiting for an answer. 

"On the contrary, he fully supports you. He just is concerned," I reply, "and so am I." 

"What for?" Nuriko asks. "I coped with the homophobia I got when I started dating Hotohori and everyone realised I was a guy, not a girl. How could this possibly be worse?" 

"It will be very painful," I remind him. 

"Chichiri, I can cope with pain. I can cope with what other people think. All my life, I've coped with people bitching about who I am. I know how to cope with it. This operation is no difference. This is minor, in fact. It's not as if I'm dying of cancer or pregnant or something," Nuriko says. He considers. "Actually, I'd be a bit worried if I was pregnant." 

"It's not about the other people. It's about _you_. Are you okay?" I ask. He bursts into tears. Oops. 

"I don't know how I'm going to tell the others," he says, "I really don't. And I don't know if this is the right thing." I put an arm around him, partially because his sobbing could start shaking the office with its ferocity, mostly because he looks as if he's about to fall off his chair. 

"Sssh, ssh..." I say, soothingly. "If you aren't sure, you can always change your mind. Always. Well, until you're on the operating table." 

"Should I be doing this?" he asks, tearfully. 

"I don't know. I don't think anyone can know except you," I say, quietly, "it's your choice alone." 

"How do I know what's right?" he asks. I wish I had an answer, I really do. 

"You can't. You can only feel what's in your heart. You know all the facts, Mitsukake's filled you in, you know what to expect from the others. It's up to you. Whatever we choose would be wrong, but you can make the right choice, I know it," I say. He blows his nose on my sleeves. "You might want a tissue for that," I say, dryly. He shoots me a watery grin as I pass him the box. I look at my sleeve in disgust. And he called me a grot! 

His sobbing soon subsides and when next he looks at me, there's determination in his face and voice. 

"This is right. I must do it," he says. I hug him. 

"I knew you would make the right choice. I'll send my report back to Mitsukake and he'll schedule the surgery for you. You just have to tell the others," I say. 

"Okay," Nuriko says, standing up to go. He turns around at the door. "Thankyou, Chichiri," he says, looking back. "I don't regret." 

I smile at him and when he goes, pick up my pen. And write. 


	3. Miaka

**Who I am - Acceptance******

**Chapter 3******

**::Miaka::******

"Nuriko!" I squeal, when I see him coming. I leap out of my seat and tackle him to the ground in a massive hug. The rest of the cafe looks at us in mild amusement and horror. I eventually climb off him and walk back to the table. 

"Taka will be coming soon, as soon as his work finishes" I say, "and Akito is in school." I smile as I think about Taka, who is now the leading real estate agent in his firm, and Akito, who is looking as smart as Yui and Chiriko put together. Okay, maybe not that smart, but still pretty bright. 

"We need to meet like this more often," Nuriko says, leaning back on his chair. 

"Do you want to have a booth seat with me?" I ask. 

"No, that's okay," he says, leaning back further. 

"Uh, excuse me? Can I get through?" a waitress asks. 

"Oh, sorry Subaru," Nuriko says, letting her go through. 

"Who did you leave in charge of the salon?" I ask, while eating. 

"Hotohori," Nuriko replies. He squints at my face. "I think you have a bit of food stuck on your nose," he says. I pull it off and eat it. 

"You're lucky that you and Hotohori work in the same place," I sigh. 

"Then get a job, you bum! You could easily work with Taka!" Nuriko scolds. I sigh again, gloomily. 

"I tried but they let me go. I don't know why," I say. 

"Maybe the fact that you are as disorganised as Chichiri. Man, I visited his office last week and practically had to wade through paper!" Nuriko says. 

"Oh? What for?" I asked, gobbling up my food. 

"Well, remember how I joked with you on the phone a few days ago...?" Nuriko asks. I look at him. 

"Yeah?" I ask. Then the penny dropped. "You were serious?!" I squeak. The chopstick goes up my nose and I start choking. Subaru is forced to shoo away the watching onlookers as Nuriko pulls it out. Lucky he's so strong, I have a feeling it was wedged a long way up. Why do people always tell me startling things while I'm eating? It's dangerous! 

After my nose is cleared, Nuriko sits down again, opposite me. 

"I guess you don't like the idea," Nuriko says. I shake my head vigorously. 

"No! I think it's fantastic!" I say. Nuriko stares at me. 

"You do?" he asks. 

"Of course!" I say. 

"Uh, we are talking about the same thing here?" he asks. He slides a piece of paper towards me. "About..." he scribbles down what he wants to say. Pretty smart, people in this cafe are giving us weird looks and hoping I'll get the other chopstick in my ear to brighten up their boring day. 

"Yep!" I say, after reading the note. Nuriko breathes out, relieved. I give him a huge hug. The chair falls over and he manages to catch us both before we topple on the floor. Now people are _really_staring. 

"I'm really happy for you, it's what you want, right?" I ask. He nods, looking a bit shaken. 

"I'm just glad you aren't freaked, that you accept it so easily," he says. I ruffle his hair. 

"Oh, come on! We'd still love you, even if you chopped all your arms and legs off and wanted us to call you 'torso-boy'!" I say, cheerfully. 

"Uh huh," Nuriko says, giggling at the image. At that point, Taka runs in and sees Nuriko and I entwined on top of the chair. He stares at us. 

"Anything I should know about?" he jokes. 

"Yep!" I say. Nuriko gives me a warning look and makes frantic hand gestures. Too late. I pick up the napkin with Nuriko's message on it and shove it in his face. He blinks as his eyes adjust then reads it. There is a pause. Then... 

"WHAAAAAAAAATTTT?!" 

"I think you'd better leave," says Subaru, popping up behind us. We look at the shocked faces of the other customers and decide it's a good idea. Taka staggers out like a zombie. 


	4. Tamahome

**Who I am - Acceptance**

**Chapter 4**

**::Taka::**

"Can I talk to him on my own for a bit, Miaka?" I ask. Miaka nods and skips off to look at a sweet shop. Nuriko and I head to the park and sit down on a bench. He leans off it and I'm just glad it's bolted down. The whole situation is very awkward. 

"So..." he says. 

"So..." I say. I look at him and shake my head. "All those jokes. God. I never thought..." 

"It's okay, Taka," Nuriko says, calmly. He squeezes my hand. I flinch then relax. 

"Sorry," I apologise. 

"I can't blame you for being so freaked out," Nuriko says. There is a pause. 

"How can you afford it?" I ask. "It'd be so expensive." 

"I got a loan," Nuriko sighs. 

"Where from?" I ask. 

"A bank. I had to try about four." A tear makes its way down Nuriko's cheek. "They wouldn't give me a loan when they heard what it was for. I'd had enough by the forth bank. I said I wanted a holiday. They gave me the loan then, no problem." 

"You could've asked us," I say, awkwardly. 

"I was too embarrassed. And you couldn't afford it, I didn't want to be a strain on you or come begging," Nuriko explains, sadly. I hug him awkwardly. 

"You're not. We would help you, you're one of us, remember?" I ask. He nods, looking unconvinced. "Always," I say, firmly. "Come on, didn't everything turn out okay in this life? You're dating Hotohori after all this time." 

"True..." Nuriko says. 

"What does he think?" I ask. 

"I haven't told him yet," he replies. I do a double-take. 

"You're telling Miaka and I before your boyfriend?" I ask, in surprise. 

"I don't know how I'll tell him, I really don't," Nuriko wails. 

"He loves you. I'd accept Miaka, no matter what. He's the same, right?" I say. Nuriko nods. 

"You're right. You have to be," he says. 

"So, when are you going to tell him?" I ask. 

"After Tasuki and Chiriko. The others know. Well, in the case of Mitsukake and Chichiri, that's because of their jobs. Mits is doing the surgery," Nuriko replies. 

"Then you couldn't be in better hands," I reply. He nods. 

"I'd better go," he says. 

"Why?" I ask. 

"Now that you've taken it so well, I'm going to tell Tasuki," he says. 

"Why not wait a bit?" 

"The surgery is next week. Mitsukake pulled a few strings. I have to tell them all as soon as possible, before I change my mind." 

And with that, he was gone. 


	5. Tasuki

**Who I am - Acceptance**

**Chapter 5**

**::Tasuki::**

I'm under the car, tryin' to get the damn thing to work again, when Nuriko arrives. He sits on top of the bonnet, looking as if he's about t' go flyin' any second. 

"Ya any good with cars?" I ask. I look at him. He has long fingernails with pink nailpolish. "Nah," I answer my own question. 

"What's up?" he asks. 

"If I knew, the damn thing would be goin'!" I say, whacking it. It didn' help. "Fuck, where's Kouji when you need'm?!" I demand. I swear at the car again. "Fuck, I need a beer." I get out from under the car and search around in the cool box. 

"Hey Tasuki! Just thought I'd tell you..." Nuriko yells from outside and starts sayin' something. Man, I must be goin' deaf, it definately sounded weird. I pop open the can and take a swig, grinnin' at him. 

"Man, I mus' have a big gob of earwax blockin' my hearin' or somethin', ya have no idea what that sounded like!" I say. 

"Oh? That's because you heard me perfectly well," Nuriko says. I look at him an' laugh. 

"Nah, seriously, what's up?" I ask. Nuriko falls off the car bonnet with a crash. 

"Not me!" he squawks on his way down. I run over to make sure he hasn' cracked his head open an' ruined my car's paint job. Nah, he's fine. 

"Haha, very funny," I mutter. "First ya say weird shit, then ya fall of my car an' give me a heart attack. What is this, scare Tasuki day?! So what's buggin' ya? Y're not at that beauty place so somethin' must be wrong!" I say. Nuriko looks at me. 

"I already said," he says. I drop my beer and it lands on my car. 

"Fuck!!!" I yell, noticing the scratch. Then I look back at Nuriko. "Please tell me y're jokin', mate!" I beg. He shakes his head, slowly. "Shit..." I mutter, "you're really serious, aren't ya?" He nods. 

"What do you think?" he asks, slowly. 

"That it's fuckin' weird!" I snap. "C'mon, Nuri, ya don' need ta do that! You don' hafta go through with it! It's fuckin' creepy!" 

"I should've thought that you'd be like this," Nuriko says, quietly. 

"Whaddya mean?! I'm only tryin' ta care for ya! I mean, ya already dress like a chick, but you don' need to go through no weird stuff. I mean, fuck, what if ya change ya mind?! Ya're screwed!" I rant. Nuriko looks at me, smiling. "What's so fuckin' funny?!" I snap. 

"I thought you were just against it _because,_" he says. 

"Why would I be?!" I ask. "It's your problem, not mine. Y're so stubborn nothin' I could do could change y're mind anyway. I mean hell, I had to keep fightin' those fuckers off when ya started dressin' like Dame Edna Everidge!" I shook my head. "A fuckin' girl. Man, that's kinda creepy. I mean, hell, you're even wearin' feather boas now!" 

"Don't tell Mitsukake and Chichiri. They're worried enough about me already," Nuriko warned. 

"I can' fuckin' blame 'em! What's it with fags and feather boas?! Fuckin' 'ell!" I say, ramblin' out've shock. Man, this is weird shit. He's gonna have surgery? This is the guy who cries when he breaks a fingernail! 

"Hey! It's not as if Hotohori and Chuin cross-dress!" Nuriko protests. 

"Yeah, that's the point. Ya gonna trust Hotohori around Chuin?" I ask. 

"Chuin's in bed with the flu," Nuriko replies, "so he's safe. Lucky he's gay or I'd be suspicious of Soi otherwise." 

"Nuriko, why're ya doin' this? It's gonna be fuckin' painful, fuckin' expensive and what'll everyone else think?!" I ask. 

"Whatever they want. I really don't give a stuff," Nuriko replies. There's somethin' in his voice which makes me stop. He's really sure about this. Well, ya can't fuckin' argue with him if he knows what he's gettin' in to. I step awkwardly towards him. He's still lyin' on the floor where he landed. I offer him my hand an' he gets up. I keep ahold of his hand. 

"Listen buddy, anythin' ya need, I'll be there. Any fucker calls ya names, I'll be there. Jus' try ta help me with Bob, okay?" I ask. 

"Who? Your boyfriend? Ooh! I knew you were a gay underneath it all!" Nuriko squeaks. 

"Don' get any ideas, gay-boy. I was talkin' about the car!" I reply. 

"You named your car?" Nuriko cackles. I glare at him. 

"Bob doesn' like people insultin' his name. Neither does Tasuki!" I warn. He giggles like an idiot an' I roll my eyes. 

"Hey, whassup?" Kouji calls. 

"Kouji! Mate! I'll tell ya later, jus' help me fix my fuckin' car!" I say, shovin' a beer into his hand. He looks down at it in surprise, sculls the lot and peers inside the bonnet. 

"See ya, Tasuki!" Nuriko calls. I give him a wave. Man, this day has been weird. I really must've drunk too much this time. The pink elephants agree. 


	6. Chiriko

**Who I am - Acceptance******

**Chapter 6******

**::Chiriko::******

I walk home briskly from the library, eager to get started on my homework. Usually it was mundane, boring facts to memorise but for once I had something to learn that I was genuinely enthusiastic about. Such is my enthusiasm that I don't notice Nuriko until I am right on top of him - literally. 

"I'm sorry, Nuriko-san," I apologise, while climbing off him. 

"That's fine," he wheezes, "I think I'm getting used to being glomped, squashed, falling off of high places and generally bashed about." 

"Let me guess, you visited Miaka and Tasuki. At least," I guess. He nods. 

"And I saw Taka as well, briefly," he says. 

"You've been busy," I remark. 

"I was looking for you too. Do you want have a drink somewhere?" he asks. 

"Sure!" I say, while deep down I hide my irritation at my interruption. Nuriko is a nice person and it would be rude to refuse. Especially since he looks so agitated. His body language reveals his inner turmoil, whatever it may be. I hope to assist him in whatever way possible, as far as a primary school age child can help adults. I smile up at him and we walk to his apartment. He gains smiles all around from passersby. I suppose they think him to be my mother. It is rather amusing, although I am glad my mother doesn't dress like that. It is rather startling on the eyes. 

As we step into his apartment, he quickly shoves some of Hotohori's things off a few chairs. 

"I'm sorry. Hori-chan is a bit messy. He still forgets he doesn't have servants to clean up after him!" His laugh is a little hollow. He looks nervous. I hope it's not cancer. 

Poor Nuriko is so nervous that he drops the tea-cup he passes to me. The scalding liquid hits the floor and that's the last straw. He bursts into tears and I hurry to find a cloth to wipe it up. 

"What's wrong, Nuriko-san?" I ask. He sniffles. 

"Chiriko, I'm sorry, I'm a bit on edge at the moment," he replies. He wipes his nose. "I've got something to tell you and I don't know how you'll take it. It's really important to me and I know you'll probably think I'm weird or even hate me for it." 

And he told me. 

I blink as he finishes and shot him a slow smile. 

"That's okay, Nuriko-san. There's nothing wrong at all. I thought you had cancer from the way you were going on," I reply. 

"You... don't mind? At all?" he asks. 

"Why should I? It's the mind which counts, not the body," I say. He beams at me. 

"You're a pretty cool kid!" he says, ruffling my hair. I giggle. 

"You're still Nuriko, it's okay," I say. And it really is. I smile at him happily, knowing that he's an adult, he can look after himself. And now he'll really be happy. "How did the others take it?" I ask. 

"Some of them were a little freaked. Miaka put on this chipper act, but the look on her face...! She didn't really believe what she was saying. Tasuki and Taka freaked. Chichiri and Mitsukake are watching me like hawks. I still have to tell Hotohori," he says, counting the people off his fingers. 

"Tell me what?" Hotohori asks. Nuriko freezes. 

"H...Hori-chan!" he blurts. I squeeze his hand reassuringly and leave. This is for Nuriko to do. Alone. 


	7. Hotohori 1

**Who I am - Acceptance******

**Chapter 7******

**::Hotohori::******

"Hotohori, I've told all the others and now I have to tell you," Nuriko says. His eyes are red, I can see he's been crying. My Nuriko-chan's face never lies. He's so beautiful that even his tears can't ruin his beauty. I take his hand and lead him to his favourite reclining chair. He leans as far back as he can go, sitting on my lap, and the chair practically flips over. 

"What is it, Nuri?" I ask. 

"I'm going to have a sex-change operation," he says. I stop. 

"What?!" I ask. "Why?!" 

"I have to do this, Hori-chan," he says, his voice shaky. 

"Nuriko..." I say, shocked, "I don't know what to say..." I trail off. He looks at me. He says nothing, just looks at my shocked face. "Nuriko, please, you must consider." I say. 

"I have made up my mind," he says. 

"Nuriko, why? Is it because of Kourin? She's alive and well!" I say. He rolls his eyes. 

"I know, I saw her this morning," he replies, in an attempt at humour. 

"It's Houki then!" I accuse. "Please, you know she didn't compare to you! You don't have to replace her! I love you. You know that. The ring on your finger should tell you." 

"It's not Houki either!" Nuriko says. 

"We don't have to be like a straight couple to get married! We've been engaged for so long but we will marry some day! You know it!" I whisper. He kisses my cheek. 

"It's not even that," he replies. Tears are dancing down his cheeks, glimmering in the light. 

"What is it then?" I ask, angrily. "I don't understand!" 

"It's for myself! For me!" Nuriko says. Suddenly he's angry. "Why can't you understand?! Everyone else did! It's for me! I don't care what anyone else thinks! This is my body! Suzaku screwed up big time! I should have been a girl! I should have been! I'm just suffering what I was all over again! Now I have a chance to be free! To show the world my real self, not a boy, a girl! A girl! A girl!" He stands up. So do I. 

"Nuri..." I whisper, hugging him. "Don't do it... it'll ruin everything." I feel ashamed at what I am about to say. "I'm gay. I can't..." I trail off. 

"I have to do it. You know that." 

He runs out the door and slams it shut after him, sobbing loudly. I can hear him running down the corridor, crying, but can't make myself move. I just watch him go. Then the tears come and I cannot fight them. I just curl up on the floor and cry. Cry for Nuriko, who should have been a girl. Cry for the pain he's going to endure. Cry for myself because I might have just lost him forever. 


	8. Hotohori 2

**Who I am - Acceptance**

**Chapter 8**

**::Hotohori:**

I don't think he'll ever understand why I don't want him to suffer the operation. 

It's nothing to do with what sex he is. He's always been a girl deep down inside. 

It's not what anyone else will think. He's never cared much. 

It's the pain that he will suffer. 

I have lost all respect for Suzaku. Nuriko is right, he did mess up. Nuriko always has to suffer so much. Why must he do it now? Why?! Why?! To be who he is?! It's not fair! It's not! And when he suffers, I suffer. 

He doesn't know that, how much I love him. How can he? How can he know that he is my world? I don't want him to feel pain. 

But it's not even that either. 

It's that maybe this isn't what he wants after all. 

All these years, these lifetimes, he's wanted to be a girl. It's always been a hope for him in the darkness. He might have crossdressed for Kourin once, but maybe he did it for himself too. He's been a girl and a boy in personality and appearance in both lives, changing between them painfully. Now he finally can be a girl, forever. 

But what if he doesn't like it? 

What if it was only the idea of it? 

I cannot tell him what is right, all I can do is love him. We've agreed to disagree about this. We talked about it the night after he told me and I held him near as he sobbed. 

"All of the others... it's weird, Hori-chan. Mitsukake was worried about the pain, Chichiri about how I would cope, they both watched over me to make sure I was okay but they cared, they understood. Miaka tried to understand but couldn't. Yet she pretended for my sake. She's special, Miaka. She really does love us all. Taka and Tasuki freaked. And you know what's funny? I got it so completely wrong. I thought that with Tasuki it would be really awkward. It wasn't. And I thought that Chiriko wouldn't - couldn't - understand, would call me a pervert because he's just a little kid. He understood the best out of all of you. And you... you..." he trailed off. 

We still are together, still going strong. After it's all over, we're getting married. Arguments are what out the differences in people but this one has only brought us closer together. I don't think he should suffer this, but it is his dream. His choice. I'll always love him, no matter what. And he can still change his mind. But I don't think he will. 

I give him one final kiss as they wheel him out the door. He waves to us all and as he leaves, I can hear him singing: 

Looking at the moon relected in the water,   
I couldn't help but shake   
The light overhead   
just looks at that... 

Even if an injured, weakening, wounded beast   
lives or runs away is all up to itself 

The sky is high, unending, but   
light is the only thing it doesn't hold back.   
I will always be watching over   
the Perfect World called love   


Whenever I overcome the difficult times,   
I become dazzlingly bright   
Before I knew it, I began to have confidence   
in what I chose. 

Sleeping at the bottom of the ocean, people are like pearls   
Being washed, and polished, intensifying their brilliance 

World where the sky is high and clearing   
The snow is melting, turning into moisture   
The courage to stand up   
is always within you.   


Just embracing, embracing, and lifting someone in your arms   
is probably, surely, not kindness.   
The courage to stand up   
is always within you.   
A perfect world called love 

I can't help but smile. He will always be a bit weird - like singing before going off to surgery, I don't know of anyone who does that! - but I think he did it to comfort us as much as himself. Soon he will be whole. Who he was originally meant to be. Or should I say she? 


	9. Nuriko

**Who I am - Acceptance**

**Epilogue**

**::Nuriko::**

And that is all. I finish my song in the corridors. Even though I can't see them, I know my friends can hear me. In fact, I bet even the cancer patients on the fifth floor can hear me, I'm being so noisy. The nurses are agitated but Mitsukake won't let them quiet me. It's only after I'm finished that I start feeling scared. 

In the days before the operation, I realised how lucky I am to have friends like I do. Maybe it's the bond we shared in the last life, I don't know. But they truly accepted me for who I am. Unlike the others. 

The salon-workers were freaked out. They knew I had feminine ambitions but not it was crunch-time. Or chop time, depending on how you see it. Some of the clients were especially freaked out, but generally, everyone was okay with it. It's a salon, beauty and expertise is valued, as well as a soft shoulder for the clients to cry on. I have all of the above so they really don't care. 

Of course, my non-seishi friends were another story. Many of them didn't even know I was a guy to start off with. You have no idea how hard it is to lose friends in this way. They were just too weirded out. They couldn't accept the fact that the girl they knew was a guy. I can't blame them, it would come as a shock to me too. I suppose they were never really friends to start off with, but never-the-less, it hurts. 

As for the seishi, I think that they all coped in their different ways. Only Chiriko was really okay with it. Tasuki was horrified that I wanted to become a _girl_, Miaka and Tamahome felt awkward and Mitsukake and Chichiri were stressed. As for Hotohori, well, we had our first real argument over it. But I know it's because he cares. Maybe someday he'll understand. Hey, I might even start a trend! 

My family freaked out most of all, they couldn't understand it. It's weird, how things turn out. They were supposed to love me and understand but they didn't. I feel like I've let them down. They gave me their blessing eventually, but I know there is still going to be tension over it afterwards. 

I squeeze Mitsukake's hand, feeling more scared than I ever have in my life. 

I'm not scared about the operation, I trust Mitsukake. He'll make me perfect, like I was meant to be, like everyone else is. 

I'm scared of what is to come. But as long as the others are there, no matter how freaked out they are, I'll be fine. They'll see that this is all for the best, won't they? 

"It's okay," Mitsukake says, reassuringly, sensing my fear. And it is. I put the mask on and breath in the anastaetic, knowing that from now on, it'll really be okay. For real.   


**Skipsida's Ravings:**

Well, I'm being good for once. One raving for the whole story? 

Yep, this story is kinda weird. In fact, definately weird. But kinda close to home, in a way. *pokes out tongue at Damien* Ya know I love ya, ya big idiot! *gets confused glances* Eh, well... ahem. *straightens up* 

This is kinda a delay for writing the next chapter of "What about" I guess. *dies* Overworked is what I am... oh yeah. Not to mention I've written about a gazillion pages of a story for a novella competition I want to enter. *wails* I've strained my creative muscles! 

But I really have been having trouble to find time to write. There's been so much things going on lately, it's been hard. My parents are getting divorsed and chaos has ensued. *sighs* It's hard. As well as that, I still have to keep up with schoolwork. What is this, pick on Skippy month? *dies and becomes double-dead* 

Hey, it's another pick on Nuriko story... *sighs* Sorry Nuri-chan. 

Nuriko: Why does everyone pick on meeeeee? *breaks down into sobs* Purple Mouse, Kaze-chan, Ryuen, Chibigreenwizardmon (who has changed pen name and I can't remember the new one), you... and most of all, Yuu Watase! 

Skipsida: Well, at least I didn't kill you. *pats him awkwardly on the back* It's all good, you're alive in my story, just screwed up. 

Nuriko: *sarcastically* Wow, thanks. 

Skipsida: You're welcome. 


End file.
